[Book Review] The Way I Used To Be by Amber Smith

In the tradition of Speak, this extraordinary debut novel shares the unforgettable story of a young woman as she struggles to find strength in the aftermath of an assault.

Eden was always good at being good. Starting high school didn’t change who she was. But the night her brother’s best friend rapes her, Eden’s world capsizes.

What was once simple, is now complex. What Eden once loved—who she once loved—she now hates. What she thought she knew to be true, is now lies. Nothing makes sense anymore, and she knows she’s supposed to tell someone what happened but she can’t. So she buries it instead. And she buries the way she used to be.

Told in four parts—freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year—this provocative debut reveals the deep cuts of trauma. But it also demonstrates one young woman’s strength as she navigates the disappointment and unbearable pains of adolescence, of first love and first heartbreak, of friendships broken and rebuilt, and while learning to embrace a power of survival she never knew she had hidden within her heart.


4 STARS 

TW: On page rape scene, sexual assault, substance abuse, 


This is such an important and heavy book. Going into this book I knew it was about a young girl character who is raped by her brother's best friend and how she deals with holding that secret so close to her. Obviously, from that alone I knew it was going to be a heavy story but  it surprised me in a way  I didn't expect. When I go into a book about a girl character dealing with sexual assault or rape I unfortunately expect the main character to be timid, scared, introverted, quiet. I think it's what I see a lot in the media, whether that be books, movies, or shows. But especially in books. Instead, our character Eden is the opposite. She's extroverted, she parties, has friends, even gets into relationships and sexual situations with guys. She's closed off, angry, hard, but she also tries to push those emotions down and wear a mask of being completely okay to keep her secret safe. 

I really liked Eden's characterization because she's very flawed and her actions, although frustrating, were understandable. She's angry and she's taking it out on her family, friends, herself, and the world in general. Although I love Eden as a character, I felt virtually nothing for the rest of the cast of characters we are introduced to. Her best friend, her love interest, her family, etc were all a bit 2D for me as characters. I either didn't like the character (when you're supposed to) or didn't care about them at all. I think that affected my connection with the book because I wanted Eden to have a better support system. I got genuinely angry at everyone in her life who see her completely change and they don't notice anything. This book takes place in a four year span (her entire high school career) and we originally meet her in her freshman year. Even I, who had just started the book, could tell that there was a crazy difference between Eden before and after she was raped. It bugged me that everyone in her life seemed too self absorbed to really dig into what was happening with Eden.

The plot was a hard one to read a times, of course, but like I said this is a very important read. I do think (other than the rape scene in the first chapter) that the first half of the book was a bit uneventful and although I am fine with character driven stories, the only character I cared about was Eden. And even she could make me pretty frustrated at times. Granted, this is a very fast read and I read it basically in a day so it wasn't dragging on for me or anything. I just wish we got a little more of the other characters so I could care about them enough to be interested the whole time.

The writing is really well done. I was very emotional while reading for a lot of this story and teared up more times than I can count. I read Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson at least ten years ago and it has a similar premise, even if as a whole both books are very different.  The thing they both definitely have in common is that both of them will stick with their readers for a very long time. They are different when it comes to how their main characters deal with and react to the trauma they've been through, but they have similar themes and messages. Plus both made me cry and broke my heart.

Overall, I highly recommend this book. Please read cautiously if you are sensitive or triggered by reading topics such as rape and sexual assault. Or even substance abuse. I think this is a very important story to read but as someone who can be sensitive to these topics I understand not wanting to read them for those reasons. Stories about topics like these are unfortunately relevant and have been for forever, but with the #MeToo Movement and so many stories about sexual assault, rape, inappropriate power imbalances, etc it feels even more important to read stories like this one. Because although it's fiction,  stories like Eden's are real people's realities. And if reading about their  experiences, whether it be in fiction or non-fiction, helps me understand other victims of sexual assault and rape more, I am going to do that.

Thanks for reading!